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How to relish rejection

I offer dating advice for women (and men) either through my coaching or the website. Whilst providing dating advice for women it’s become clear that many have a hard time with approaching strangers. This can be a real liability in so many situations, whether it’s at a party, a net-working event or even when you spot a stranger across a room who you think you’d like to get to know on a romantic basis. If you’d like to know how to stop this being a problem for you then please read on.

one couple dispute separation woman leaving and man holding backThe root of all the angst, deliberation and excuses for not approaching someone is fear. It wears a few different hats, and the women that come to me for dating advice can talk about it in different ways, but in my experience it seems to come down to one thing. Most of us live in mortal dread of being rejected and we’d rather do nothing than risk having to feel that feeling. As with any feeling we refuse to face it begins to limit our life in ways we can’t even imagine. I was coaching a dating advice client called Mary on this particular issue recently, and we worked out a couple of new ideas and beliefs that she found helpful. I think given the leaps forward her life took you may benefit from knowing them yourself.

 
Why is it always about you? The first point I taught Mary to apply is that it’s worth keeping in mind that a lot of what we are attracted to in another human being is completely subconscious and based on our history. Let’s say you had a really bad time with a man with a moustache at some point, well, that’s probably the end of falling for guys with moustaches. I have a client who got so badly burned by a blond in his younger days that he now has a belief that no blonde is ever to be trusted. Now imagine approaching one of these people and you’ve either got a moustache or you’re blond and you get rebuffed, maybe even harshly. Well guess what, the rejection is all about them and their neurosis, it’s got nothing to do with you. Sometimes it’s as simple as you made the mistake of approaching them while a record was playing in the background that reminds them of an ex partner. You really have no idea about the real reason someone appears to be rejecting you. So I had Mary tell me all about the things she says to herself when she gets rejected or even imagines being rejected. She’d say things to herself like: well my hair is a bit of a mess so maybe I’m just not attractive enough. If I could only be just a little more interesting when it comes to conversation I might do better as I wouldn’t come across as boring. Maybe if I got myself some better outfits I’d be more irresistible. Notice that all of these pieces of self talk are about Mary, they really have nothing to do with the guy she’s trying to approach. After years of offering dating advice for women (and men) I can say with confidence that if you have a fear of rejection, you’re doing the same kind of thing. Given that there are thousands of reasons people reject others, how likely is it that your standard one or two reasons are right every time?
 

Stop riding in on flat tyres! The best thing, in fact I’d say the most amazing and valuable thing about being rejected, is it will highlight the places you don’t feel confident about your self. So if you believe you were rejected because your glasses are ugly or your dress sense is awful then get it fixed. Get a professional opinion. If you are self-conscious about your voice or the fact that you’re a stone overweight, well do what ever it takes to fix it. Careful on the weight one though, more bullying yourself might not help, as Susie Orbach says, ‘you can’t stop eating until you figure out what’s eating you’. The fact is that every thought you have about why someone may be rejecting you is a clue about the holes in your self-esteem. Holes in your self-esteem need to be fixed or you’re making your approaches with flat tyres. If you’d like to stop doing it then read the tips below. So what are the things you commonly say to yourself about why people are rejecting you? Let’s assume for a moment that your fears may well be intuition working well on your part. What would you need to do to either fix the thing you fear is true about you or establish whether or not it really is true. I know a guy who’s convinced that the reason he can’t get any dates is that women think he’s too successful and I happen to know for a fact that the larger issue is the riot of ear and nasal hair the guy sports. Ask a professional, they know and they’re paid to tell you the truth.

 
Twenty Years of Learning in 40 Minutes!Getting people into great relationships is pretty much what I do for a living and I love it. I’ve distilled everything I’ve learned about Finding Mr Right into a home study course. As a great introduction why not get hold of a free copy of ‘The Seven Secrets To Finding Mr Right’. If you or anyone you know is single it’s a no brainer.

 

Top Tips

Face the fact that you are afraid The basis for all the holding back and excuses we make for not approaching people is the fear of being rejected. Fear of making a fool of yourself. Fear of not knowing what to say or stumbling your way through an awkward conversation. Fear of losing someone potentially fantastic and gorgeous. Fear of not being good enough for the other person. Free your mind with fun thoughts Fortunately the conscious mind can hold only one thought at a time so why not come up with a better thought than the ones you usually have about approaching strangers. My favourite at the moment is “I am gorgeous, sexy and vibrant and anyone that gets to spend time with me is truly blessed” What if you didn’t hide behind your fear of being unattractive or that all men are bastards? What would you do differently? Keep it in perspective When offering dating advice for women I suggest that before they march across the room, I’d like them to consider a couple of factors. Firstly, the person you’re about to approach may well have the worst case of bad breath you’ve experienced, they may have a laugh that sounds like a braying donkey, they may be married, they could be a drug addict, or heaven forbid they might even be boring. It’s highly unlikely that they are as perfect as you hope.

 

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Michael, I remember the day my oldest son gave me the e-book "How to get over a breakup".  My sons and I are emotionally close and I think that moment changed my life. I was drowning, literally a feeling of being under dark water with no hope to escape. Those days Read more ...
05/31/2011