Dealing with a cheating spouse

Think you have a cheating spouse?

Here are some guidelines:

• to tell if your spouse is cheating
• if you're considering revenge on your cheating spouse
• on how to regain trust

How to catch a cheating spouse

• Your relationship being driven by routine with little spark, spontaneity or romance
• You're no longer having sex or you have little interest in sex
• You're having functional sex with sparse intimacy and affection
• You have reached a stage in your relationship where you are just friends or companions

Being in a relationship with one or more of the above characteristics doesn't necessarily mean that your spouse is cheating, but it can give them a reason to.

If you recognise one or more of the below signs your suspicions should be heightened further. Your partner:

• Becomes distant and stops confiding in you
• Frequently spends time with someone of the opposite sex without introducing you or including you
• Takes calls on their mobile at all times of the day without saying who it is
• Sets up a new email account and doesn't tell you the password
• Raises hypothetical questions such as, 'Do you think that monogamy is realistic?'
• Comes home with scratches or bruises on their body
• Starts to frequently work late
• Starts to become interested in their appearance and begins wearing different clothes, changes their hair cut or loses weight
• Wants to try different sexual techniques or positions
• Suddenly stops having sex with you
• Wants sex more often
• Suddenly has a 'glow' about them
• Is spending more nights away from home than before
• Uses a low or different voice over the phone

Whether to seek revenge on a cheating spouse or not

Is revenge sweet? Erm no. More sour!

Revenge is fuelled by bitterness, anger, hostility, hatred, resentment and fear. These emotions are necessary but become toxic when we wallow in them. They also have physiological consequences such as, increased blood pressure, suppression of the immune system and hormonal changes linked to cardiovascular disease.

Dr Dean Ornish, America's Lifestyle Guru says, 'the most selfish thing you can do for yourself is to forgive other people'.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning the behaviour of your cheating spouse or excusing their behaviour, it does mean letting go of your own suffering and having the will to move on.

Building back trust with a cheating spouse

If your spouse has come clean about their infidelity and the two of you want to move on, you need to rebuild the trust which has been broken.

Fully regaining trust involves forgiving and forgetting. The first step in this process is to discuss and understand what led the partner to be unfaithful. For the most part, and excluding serial cheaters, partners stray because there is something lacking in their current relationship. This could be as simple as sex but is often more complex, such as a need to be listened to without judgment or to be appreciated.

When the cheating spouse was looking for something lacking in the relationship, both parties need to honestly discuss whether this can be brought back into the relationship. This could mean a radical change in communication styles and committing to more quality time to appreciate each other physically and emotionally.

Forgiveness can take as long as it needs and shouldn't be rushed. There is a danger that if you rush forgiveness, you end up saying you forgive someone, but you don't truly feel it from your heart. However, saying this, if you still haven't come to some sense of forgiveness of your cheating spouse within a year, you may need some help to get you through this process.

Related Help

Extramarital affairs